anna and her crib

anna jae took a nap in her crib today. this is a big accomplishment -- she hates being on her back. but she looked so darn small, i couldn't help but snap these photos of her. =)

first day alone together

today marks the first day that anna and i are alone together. no daddy, no grandma, no visitors. just the girls. as i type this, she sits in her sling, happy and cozy in her little black space. and i get to write up her blog.

our days together are nice and quiet. well, that is, when she's not crying. anna wakes, gets a diaper change, eats, and then goes back to dreamland. sometimes she smiles the prettiest little smile... it's a shame that she has no idea what she's doing. =) she sits in her chair and sleeps a bit, though during the day they're very short cat naps -- only 20 or 30 minutes long, not nearly long enough for mama to get any extra rest. but that's ok. we hang out and we're happy.

these are moments that i miss dave being here. and i know he does too. it'd be lovely if he could be here all day with his girls, just hangin' out and watching what she does. but i guess that's what weekends are for, right?

i spoke to anna's pediatrician yesterday, dr. cao. he said that it's a bit too early to diagnose anything -- anna could have acid reflux, or it could simply be her temperment. so he urged us to just soothe her any way we had to, and at her month visit he would revisit it. which makes sense. i've received great helpful hints from friends whose children have had it, so hopefully all together we'll be able to make some progress in this area.

i'm going to try to rest while she happily sleeps in her sling. gotta take it while i can get it, right?

anna's 2 week birthday!

happy 2 weeks to my precious little girl! yay! honestly, 2 weeks seems like a long time to have her. i feel like she's still not really ours to keep.

check out the new pics below from this past weekend. =D

aunt olivia.

uncle noah.

daddy time.

she thinks she's just so cute.

aunt helene.

uncle howie.

her favorite place to sleep -- on mommy.

i had to have a photo of her in this... swaddled up like a baby burrito, and with such a face on!

the wonders and the heartbreak of a newborn baby girl

anna is coming up on 2 weeks of age. 2 weeks! i actually can't believe time is already going that fast.

dave and i are loving our new family member. i'm finding my bonding moments with her in feedings, in how she recognizes my hold/voice/touch. dave enjoys his bath time with her, his time holding her after a feeding, even his late-night diaper changing. she is clearly going to be daddy's little girl, which is just how it should be. i adore watching them together.

the new father has also been an amazing husband for the past two weeks. not that he isn't a fabulous hubby every other day... but he's been especially fabulous since the birth. all his time off was spent trying to make me more comfortable, take care of the household tasks, etc. -- anything to make sure that when he goes back to work, i am able to physically be on my own. he definitely succeeded there. sadly he has to return to work in the morning... but we're grateful to his office for allowing for the extra time off to help me out with my recovery and to give him more time with his new daughter.

of course, all the family members and friends are thoroughly enjoying anna as well. we've had such heartwarming visits. the grandparents -- grandma and grandpa (my parents) and nana (dave's mom) -- have been completely enchanted by her. all the aunts and uncles are equally enthralled by her little self. we are so grateful for all the love from everyone we know. it means that our little girl will be well taken care of all her days, and we couldn't want more than that.

but, with every happy story, a little sadness must fall... our little anna jae is a fussy kid. she has been since day one. we've done a good job of working on her sleeping habits, and she's doing much better there, but she's still fussy. she cries often, much of the time for no apparent reason. we do all the usuals -- make sure her diaper is changed, make sure she's fed, etc. -- to no avail. she's just unhappy. then last night/early this morning, anna threw up during her feeding time. all over herself, all over me, and she threw up everything in her system. poor thing! i spent the rest of the morning up, trying to make her comfortable. i have paid close attention to everything since then, and consulted my baby books. and it seems like she has all the markings of acid reflux. =( it would explain a lot... the all-day fussing, the inconsolable crying, the inability to sleep on her back, and her fits that occur at least once a day during breastfeeding. i think she's suffering, and it breaks our hearts. it has made me cry several times today... i hate the idea of her being in pain and neither of us being able to help.

the pediatrician gets a call tomorrow, and hopefully we'll be able to see if this is indeed acid reflux. in the meantime, we're trying to make her as happy as can be. poor anna. =(

new photos!

yep, more pics. every moment i'm not feeding this kid, i'm taking pictures. and dave takes pictures in all the other moments.

more to come soon!

aunt joan

tired momma.

aunt carrie.

angelic pose.

with big uncle steven.

with nana.

check out my hand. just like momma's!

usually the way people see me.

with grandma.

power to the people!!

what the heck is grandpa doing?

crossing my eyes. it's a parlor trick really.

the labor day...

anna's entry into this world was nothing short of scary and difficult. how something so perfect can come from that experience i'll never know. but she did, and now you know the ending before the rest of the story.

as i had said previously, anna's post-dates testing did not go to my liking. in the end she scored fine, but it took her 1.5 to 2 hours to get those passing grades. she never moved enough for the technician's taste. she slept a lot. i was starting to get nervous. i went back for round 2 on monday the 12th, with grandma maria coming along with me to hold my hand, and the testing went the same way. took a long time, anna slept too much, etc. i was getting really concerned.

so we headed straight to my midwives after the second testing. as soon as i saw midwife jessie, i said, "take her out. this kid needs to come out." she very much agreed -- at 11 days overdue, she thought i needed to do an induction anyway. so we scheduled me to go in that night at 7pm to meet midwife anne to start the process.

let me just preface the rest of the story with this: i never originally wanted to be induced. obviously i knew it was possible that it would happen, but labor never goes the same for an induction. you have to be constantly monitored, so you can't walk around or use the shower or other pain management techniques that would help you. you're in bed the whole time strapped to the machines. this is not the way nature intended a baby to be born. plus, there's a much higher rate of c-sections resulting from inductions, and my main fear was a section.

but, of course, i needed the baby out. her welfare was much more important than my birth plan, and she was scaring me. so dave and i headed to the hospital at 7 on monday, january 12th. they got me registered, IV in, and got me a big room for the induction -- they planned on it being a long night. then they inserted cervadil, which is a gel inserted on a tape to react with your cervix and to help it efface. considering my own progression previous to this, midwife anne thought that this would be all i might need. she inserted it at 8:30pm, saying that in 4 to 12 hours i should be in active labor. if not, pitocin was the next step. then she left, as i had been told that she would -- since it was such a long process, she wasn't going to stay for the inaction of it all. which was fine with me.

dave and i settled in. we watched tv and chatted happily with our first labor nurse. then, at about 11:30, the labor contractons started. i guess they were right about the cervadil being all that i needed... as soon as they knew i was having the contractions, the nurses told me about my pain med options. i definitely didn't want drugs, and i was intent on foregoing the epidural until i felt as though i couldn't stand it any longer. if i could get through it naturally, i wanted to. i had already given up other things about the process that i wanted to have -- i was sure as hell not giving up on my natural birth that fast.

the contractions, of course, got steadily worse. breathing helped. so did holding dave's hand. finally, the resident ob/gyn checked me at 2am and said that i was about 3-4 centimeters along. she called midwife anne, who told her to remove the cervadil to hopefully slow down the intensity of the contractions. she removed it, but sadly the contractions didn't slow or become less intense. still, i wanted to stick with it. by now we were on our second labor nurse, who basically tried to convince dave for me at about 4am that i should really get the epidural. i was angry and still refused... while she was well intentioned, i was determined not to be derailed. i was willing to get one, but on my time and on my terms.

midwife anne returned at 5am, checked me, and said i was 5 or 6 along. my contractions were even worse at this point, at about 2 minutes apart. i still refused the epidural, and dealt with it. so anne broke my water, telling me that it should speed things up but also make things even more uncomfortable. and it did. man, that was the worst pain ever. i went on for another 2 hours, until 7am. at this point, i was screaming like the woman in the room next to me giving birth. so i asked to be checked again, figuring that if i was at an 8 i would continue through, but if i wasn't yet then i would take the relief. at this point, midwife donna had come on for her shift, and she told me i was still at a 5-6, and an epidural might help me progress because it would relax me. so i asked for it. i was proud of myself for getting that far, and would have done it all over again. it's what i wanted to do, and i did it. go me. =)

by 7:20, i was numb and feeling much relief. my mom had arrived, and i told dave that she could come in for a minute to say hi. some time later, my 4th (and last) awesome labor nurse came in to tell me that the baby did not like my last contraction, and she put me on oxygen. that was not a big deal to me, it had happened once before that night. but i shooed my mom out and tried to breathe in for the baby. a few minutes later, the nurse came back to flip me on my side to try to get a reaction from the baby. no go. next thing i knew, the room was filling up. the nurse is flipping me back and forth... midwife donna is back to put in an internal monitor for the baby. then a resident ob/gyn came in to look at my monitor. and all of a sudden, donna is leaning in to tell me that the baby's heart rate had been decelerated for a while, and that it wasn't coming back up, so they needed to do an emergency c-section. as she's telling me this, they're putting me on a stretcher. there's a flurry of action, and they're wheeling me away from dave to run me down the hall to the OR. i didn't get to take him with me, and i didn't get to say anything to him. i just looked at him as i was crying, and he was crying, and they're rushing me away.

i cried all the way down to the OR. donna stayed with me to hold my hand, tell me what was happening, and to keep me as calm as she could. i was completely scared... i thought we were going to lose the baby. and i wanted dave. and i didn't want the surgery to be happening. and i didn't know what else to do except cry and let them do what they had to do.

thank god i had opted for the epidural, so they didn't have to knock me out for the surgery. the anestheseologist worked fast and, before i even knew what they were doing, i felt the pressure on my abdomen. i knew that this had to be the cutting, so i grasped donna's hand tighter and cried and hoped for the best. after some serious pressure and pulling sensations, and a few more seconds, i heard the baby cry. and i lost it. i was just so grateful to hear her cry and know that she was ok that i couldn't hold anything back anymore. finally dave was in the room -- unbeknownst to me, a kind nurse had let him watch through the door as they pulled the baby out and took the cord from around her -- and he got to hold her as i got to say hello. the moment was brief... dave got to follow her out and i had to stay behind and be stitched up, only to be placed in recovery for a few more hours.

the cord had wrapped around her during that last contraction, and it was slowing her heart. i'm still tormented by the thoughts of how that day went, but i'm so grateful to everyone that worked so fast and so well to get her out and safe.

dave and i finally got to christen her anna jae block, which everyone heard with a sigh of relief. i guess not revealing a name ahead of time will make people think you're getting a *bit* too creative with it.

but now anna is here, and our lives are completely different. and we wouldn't have it any other way.

welcome to the world, anna jae block!

i've backdated this blog post so that it shows the time and date of her birth -- january 13, 2009, at 8:20 am, little anna jae block came into this world. with much pomp and circumstance may i just add. she was 6 lbs, 13 oz, and 19.5 inches long.

i will post about the labor story at another time -- it's pretty intense, and needs some real care when talking about it. in the meantime, i'm posting up some great photos of anna taken so far in her first week with us.

thank you so much to everyone who has been calling and sending their wishes. if i haven't gotten to call you back yet (most people), i am so sorry. i've been recovering from the c-section and taking care of our very fiesty newborn all at once, so it's hindered my ability to correspond. but we're doing well, we love you all, and we promise we'll be in touch soon.