crying it out -- the good, the bad, and the scarring

anna has been getting a bit sassy as of late. she is a great baby, really happy, but when she wants something (usually that something being mommy), she starts a blood-curdling scream that everyone hates. she's also awful on naps, not wanting to go down and needing to be rocked, but she is fully capable of putting herself to sleep because she does it every night. so we wanted to start having her cry-it-out -- CIO -- for naps and such, so that she learns that a) she can put herself to sleep, and b) she can't just scream for no reason.

so she and i did it yesterday afternoon. she cried for about 45 minutes, on and off, and i would go in every so often to let her know i was still there. after 45 minutes, she fell asleep, and slept for a half hour. i was very proud! and she woke up all happy and cheery the way she usually does.

this morning, i woke up at 5:45 with the realization that i didn't turn on the monitor last night. i always turn on the monitor if i'm in my bedroom, even if i'm just getting dressed, so i don't know why i left it off. so i turn it on and i hear anna jae screaming bloody murder. i jump up out of bed, wake dave, and run out to get her. before i can get to her, our door knocks -- it's our irritating downstairs neighbor, wanting to know if everything was ok. really, he was just pissed off that she woke him, but still, i was embarrassed. i ran to her room, scooped her up, and thought that would end it. but she wouldn't stop screaming. i brought her to our room, unswaddled her, and she wouldn't stop screaming. she would touch dave's face, then bury her head back on me and keep crying. she would look up at me, then bury the head and keep crying. she was so upset with us. i have no idea how long she was crying, but i guess that she woke up at her usual 5am and since i didn't arrive with the pacifier and the soothing head rub, she thought we left her.

i could only comfort her with a short feeding -- goes against everything i do during her morning wakes, but i couldn't help it. i felt so bad, and she needed the comfort. i fed her for about 5 minutes, and took her off. she played with her dad for a while, while i layed there and cried. and then she came over to me, found her niche in my side, and put herself to sleep. and i cried some more.

we are totally fine with CIO. it doesn't bother me at all, because i know my girl, and i know she can take it as long as she knows we are there. but when we didn't show up this morning, she got so scared, and i felt so awful. really, i still haven't stopped crying. she's fine, she was fine, everything will be fine. but i feel terrible. so does dave.

so there you go kids. if you are going the route of CIO (hey, that rhymes!), make sure you know that your baby knows you're there. sigh...

NOTE: she did go down to sleep again by herself this morning, after playing for a while and then some minor whining. i went in a couple of times to give her the pacifier and rub her head. then she fell asleep. so i guess she's not too scarred. i am. but she's not.