skinny me, last summer, with aunt loren. confused, maybe, but skinny!i want to preface this entry with a disclaimer: i am over-the-moon happy to be having a baby. i've wanted to be a mom my whole life, and now is definitely the right time with the right person. i cry at commercials with moms/babies, i have always ooh-ed and ahh-ed at every baby on the street... i'm an excited, loving-babies sort of gal. yay baby!
ok, now that that's out of my system...
me and my less-than-svelte self -- i know, i'm going to get MUCH bigger. ::sigh::i found out something about pregnancy. it's not all it's cracked up to be. i mean, the usual complaints go without saying -- being sick, being exhausted, etc. ok, fine. but those i knew were coming, and so in the end i'm not really so bothered by them. it's the other part of it you don't expect -- the vanity and selfishness that it brings out in you. or, at least, in me.
all my life, i thought pregnant women were beautiful. i would glow at a friend's glow. i would always want to touch the belly (not a stranger's belly!). i actually desired that body for the past year, as my biological clock started to sound. i wanted to be that person.
aunt carrie and me in cape cod, at week 17.now that i am the pregnant woman, i am not loving it all so much. oh, i love feeling my baby move inside of me. but i mourned -- and am still mourning -- the loss of my waist. i feel fat and dumpy. i'm hating the pregnancy clothes, cute as some of them are. oh, how that part of me wishes that i could carry the baby without actually growing bigger, or somewhere on my person that was already larger. like, in my ass... i mean, i've always had a big butt. couldn't that just be used for this? at least all that fat would be put to good use!
is this why all my girlfriends would roll their eyes whenever i told them how beautiful i thought they were with their bumps and their new curves? i guess so. i never thought of myself as that person -- i mean, i've always struggled with weight, and i knew i'd have issues giving up a body i had just come to peace with. but i never was vain, i never looked at myself and said, "wow, look at how hot you are!" now, i find myself looking at photos from last summer and saying, "damn, i looked good. i wish i looked like that now."
and the selfishness! ok, so, i have to give up my body -- issue number one. but what about afterwards? while i am fully aware that being a parent changes your life, and i'm more than committed to giving this new little person 90% of my -- or our -- time, i do find myself wondering about whether or not i am going to have to sacrifice that other 10%. or if i even want to.
i'm a full believer in keeping an adult social life in addition to being an attentive parent. i don't go out much now on the weekends, and i haven't partied it up in bars weekly in years. but the birthday parties my friends have annually that brings us all together? i want us to be able to go to those. a movie out without the kid? absolutely. girls' brunches once every couple of months? sure! so can i -- or can we, as a couple -- keep doing these things? it might be selfish, but i'm not ready to let those go.
and maybe i don't have to. i mean, i may be less than "mother earth" about this whole experience, but maybe it's ok to not be thrilled with gaining weight. and maybe it's alright to have a few nights out a year without panicking that i'm a bad mom, or that we're awful parents if we go out together without the little tike. or maybe it's not alright, and i'm going to crash and burn as a mom.
somehow i doubt that. but it's in the back of my mind regardless.
sigh... ok, the other personality currently existing inside of me wants to take over and talk to the baby. gotta go now.
5 comments:
Nic sweetie, I think all of the issues you are grappling with, especially the "vanity" you describe (which personally I don't see as vanity at all, but rather normal self-security and comfort with your appearance) are NORMAL. If it makes you feel an ounce better, I will fully admit to being even more "vain" and self-absorbed because I am still not even sure that I want to have children BECAUSE it means I will need to risk not only wait gain during pregnancy, but potential residual pounds after childbirth, and less time to dedicate to the gym. As I type that I am cringing at my own selfishness but I would be lying if I tried to pretend that all of those weren't a concern...as well as my internal struggle that I could never measure up to my mom who I think is incredible....(and obviously I couldn't if I can't even get past the issue of gaining a few pounds for 9 months...) So, please don't think that your desire to hold onto some of your own sense of self, as a woman, and not only as defined through motherhood, is abnormal, or implies that you are not going to be a devoted, fully committed, loving mom to your little one. Anyone who denies ever having wished for a few moments to just "be" without answering to a husband, or wife, or child, or parent, or pet, etc....is just full of crap. After all, doing the things that you enjoy and making time for yourself when you are a mother and wife, is essential to your sanity, and it allows you to be an even better mother and wife - you have to take care of you in order to take care of others. Plus, you won't resent NOT being able to do the things you yearn to do, because you will be doing them.
brunch with the girls, margarita nights, date nights and movies....those are what BABYSITTERS exist for!! Oh, and I am free to serve as a babysitter for the little block anytime!! Love you!
Tara
I am reading this and I realize that you are finally feeling what I have been feeling for a LONG time. That 10% of me time, is so hard to actually do because on your mind is always, what you should be doing instead and the guilt. If you can win over that guilt, you are a better woman then me.
All those things that you are describing are all just pregnancy and what every person goes through. (At least I did). You are so right about the eye rolling. LOL. Totally nailed it on the head. LOL
As for the body issues, I too have dealt with much weight issues. and Pregancy didn't help. The only time I felt sexy was while nurseing. Hey your boobs are way bigger and it totally helped me lose weight. Of course after I stopped it all came back on with me doing nothing different. But still, there is that to look forward too. The aftermath is something that you have to just get used to also. My body doesn't look the same as it once did. And even though I wasn't happy with it then, I am much more unhappy about it now. But you know, this body that I am complaining about, made 2beautiful baby girls and brought my relationship so much closer with my husband. You can't understand it fully until you experiance it. And you know what, I am totally ok with it. (it's not to say that a tummy tuck won't be in my future).
But seriously, you and only you can create this beautiful baby block that is growing inside of you. NO ONE ELSE BUT YOU can make Dav as happy as can be. NO ONE ELSE but you can make your family grow. You are amazing, YOUR BODY is amazing. Please try to keep that in focus.
Love ya so much!!!!!
Oh and I must admit, that when you said having the baby in your ass, OMG I was sooooooooooo there, you have no idea. I cracked up at that because man, I was thinking the same thing. LOL
I know that what you're feeling is what you're feeling and this probably will not change that, but if you could step outside yourself and see what I see (and what my husband sees and told me after we saw you on Sunday), you are looking BEAUTIFUL.
By the way, I showed your pic to Dima last night and he said "aww, she is so cute and so tiny. how come you weren't that small". I think he will come out of the hospital almost good as new, but anyway, wanted to share that with you. LOL
Nic, I totally feel your pain. It's not easy sharing your life (and your body) with a little invader! But time goes by, and you find you actually miss nursing and snuggling tiny babies. I guess that's why people keep on having 'em. (Not me!)
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